How Old Is Val On Dancing With The Stars

Let’s talk about Val Chmerkovskiy. You know him as the charming, shirtless pro on Dancing With the Stars. But there’s a burning question we all whisper: How old is Val, really?

Officially, he was born in 1986. That makes him around 38 as of this writing. But I call shenanigans.

Let’s look at the evidence. Val has been on the show since 2011. That’s over a decade of glitter, lifts, and dramatic fake tears.

Has he aged? Maybe a little stubble here and there. But mostly, he looks exactly the same as he did in Season 13. It’s unsettling.

I’m proposing a new theory. Val Chmerkovskiy is actually a time-traveling vampire professional dancer. Think about it.

He never seems tired. He never gets injured. He just spins and flips and smiles, like a human—or maybe inhuman—perpetual motion machine.

“I don’t think Val ages,” my friend once said. “I think he just renews his contract with Father Time every season.”

Compare him to other pros. Maks (his older brother) is 44, and he looks it—in a rugged, hot-dad way. Val looks like a college student who accidentally wandered into a senior facility.

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And have you ever noticed his energy? He dances with celebs who are twice his age. But he bounces back like he just had a nap and a kale smoothie.

I suspect Len Goodman (rest in peace) was in on the secret. Len would give Val a 10 and then wink at the camera. That was a code for “I know you’re actually 150 years old.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But he married Jenna Johnson, and they have a baby!” Yes, that’s part of the cover story. A family makes him seem human.

But Jenna is 30. She’s young enough to be his great-granddaughter if we’re being honest. And he keeps up with her like they’re the same age. Suspicious.

Also, his hair. It never moves. Not one strand. Even when he’s upside down doing a lift. I’m pretty sure it’s made of memory foam and light.

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I looked up his birthday on Wikipedia. It says March 24, 1986. But Wikipedia is run by people. People can be tricked by a handsome vampire with a great publicist.

Let’s be real: Val Chmerkovskiy is the ageless wonder of ballroom. He’s the Dorian Gray of the dance floor, except his portrait is a mirror that never shows wrinkles.

Don’t believe me? Go back and watch Season 14. Then watch Season 32. He’s wearing the same smug, sympathetic face. The same bicep size. The same perfect spray tan.

I think the DWTS producers have a deal with him. He stays young in exchange for teaching celebrities the foxtrot. It’s a fair trade.

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My unpopular opinion? Stop asking how old Val is. He’s not 38. He’s simply “dance-floor old.” That’s a unit of measurement that only applies to him.

One day, your grandchildren will watch reruns of Dancing With the Stars. Val will still be there, spinning away, looking 28. And they’ll ask, “Is that man a hologram?”

You’ll nod wisely. You’ll say, “Yes, darling. That’s Val Chmerkovskiy. He’s been that age since before I was born.”

So, how old is Val? Old enough to win a record 6 mirrorballs. But young enough to make you question the fabric of reality. And that’s all we need to know.

Let’s just enjoy the show. And maybe invest in whatever skincare routine he uses. It’s clearly powered by good lighting and secrets from the ancient gods.